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Unfulfilled Longings: Trusting God’s Design

This is one of the most personal blogs I’ve ever shared. We don’t talk much about longings that aren’t fulfilled. They feel private, even embarrassing. But most of us carry them. Sometimes suffering looks like wanting something you don’t have—or having something you don’t want. That’s especially true in our relationships: extended family, friendships, marriages, kids.

It’s easy for me to make my own list:

• A dad who was bipolar and disconnected
• A sister who doesn’t like me
• Broken friendships

Relationships hold a lot of quiet disappointment. And often, we don’t feel the right to share it.

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Private Disappointments

I once sat next to my nephew’s wife at a restaurant. Her daughter had been born with Down syndrome. Everywhere she went, people admired her strength, praised her beautiful little girl, and celebrated the story.

But few gave her room for grief.

I leaned in gently: “I know you love your daughter, but I bet this comes with grief and disappointment. I hope you have space to process that.”

The tears came.

She did love her daughter. But she also longed for a different story. It was a private disappointment—and I think she carried guilt even for feeling it.

That’s the thing about longings. They don’t go away. They sit deep in the soul.

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Fear and Shame: What’s Underneath

John Ortberg writes, “The nature of the soul is to need.” Our longings—mixed with fear—often drive us into trouble.

Women’s vulnerabilities are usually rooted in fear:

1. Isolation – being alone, rejected, abandoned
2. Deprivation – not having what we need to survive
3. Harm – being attacked or hurt

Men’s vulnerabilities are usually rooted in shame:

1. Failure
2. Humiliation
3. Disrespect

Shake a woman’s “snow globe” with loneliness or scarcity, and fear rises. Shake a man’s with failure or disrespect, and shame rises.

But the way both often express those raw places is the same:

• Anger
• Resentment
• Defensiveness
• Annoyance
• Withdrawal
• Blame
• Criticism

The issue is rarely the issue. Underneath, it’s fear or shame.

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My Brute Beast Moments

I’m not speaking from a distance.

Last month I was furious with my husband. I went on a drive, adrenaline pumping. In my head, I cycled between blame and defend, blame and defend. Scripture describes it perfectly:

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.” – Psalm 73:21–22

That was me—brute beast.

I called my trusted friend Mindy in my frenzy. She listened with compassion instead of judgment. She moved toward me, not away. She steadied my shaken snow globe.

That’s compassion. And it’s what Job longed for from his friends when he cried, “If it were me, I would encourage you. I would try to take away your grief” (Job 16:5).

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The Hard Sell

So what do we do with these unfulfilled longings?

I wish I had an easy, inspiring answer. But here’s what I know:

We take our empty cup—our unmet desires, our private disappointments—and hold it open before God.

Sometimes He doesn’t remove the ache. Instead, He invites us to offer it as a sacrifice of trust:

“Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.” – Romans 12:1

That empty space becomes an altar. A place of worship.

And yes—it hurts. Longings ache. They make us sad. But Scripture reminds us:

“Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.” – Ecclesiastes 7:3

It’s a hard sell. But it’s true.

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Roots and Longings

One day, walking and praying about my own longings, I saw a tree with raw, exposed roots.

And it struck me: roots are longings.

“Roots are longings reaching deep into the character of God for nourishment.”

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Longings dig us deeper into Him—deeper into His goodness, His mercy, His strength.

Jeremiah 17 says it this way:

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:7–8

Longings are not wasted. They’re roots. And they can either pull us into fear and shame—or sink us deeper into the soil of God’s character.

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Sink Deeper into the Character of God

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How can God meet you in your place of longing?

God is: 
Able – 2 Timothy 1:12
Comforter – John 15:26
Conqueror – Romans 8:35-39Compassionate – Psalm 145:8-9
Creator – Genesis 1
Defender – Zechariah 9:15
Deliverer – Psalm 18:2
El Roi: The God who sees –Genesis 16:13-14
El Shaddai: All sufficient one –Genesis 17:1-8
Emmanuel: God with us – Matthew 1:23
Faithful – 1 Cor. 10:13
Father – Galatians 4:6
Forgiving – Psalm 130:4
Friend – John 15:12-16
Gentle – 2 Cor. 10:1
God of Hope – Romans 15:13
Good Shepherd – John 10:11
Gracious – Psalm 145:8
Guardian – Philippians 4:7
Guide – Psalm 23:3
Healer – Matthew 8:16
Helper – Psalm 46:1
Hiding Place – Psalm 32:7
Holy – Isaiah 6:3
I am who I am – Exodus 3:14
Intercessor- Hebrews 4:14-16
Jealous – Exodus 34:14
Jehovah Jireh: Lord who provides – Genesis 22:7-8
Just – Deuteronomy 32:4
Keeper and shade– Psalm 121:5
King – 1Timothy 1:17
Lamb of God – John 1:29
Life – John 14:6
Light – John 8:12
Long Suffering – Exodus 34:6
Lord of All- 1 Cor. 15:26-28Love – Romans 5:8
Merciful – Psalm 86:15
Mighty God – Isaiah 9:6
Near – Psalm 145:18-21
Omnipresent – Psalm 139:7,8 All present
Overcomer – John 16:33Perfect – Psalm 18:30
Patient – 2 Peter 3:9
Prince of Peace – Isaiah 9:6
Protector – 2 Thes. 3:3
Provider – Hebrews 11:40
Refuge – Psalm 46:1
Rock – Psalm 18:1-2
Savior – Luke 2:11
Shelter – Psalm 61:4Shepherd – Psalm 23:1
Strength – Psalm 28:7
Trustworthy–Psalm 84:10-12
Truth – John 8:32, 14:6
Unchanging – Hebrews 13:8
Very present help – Psa. 46:1Wise – Proverbs 3:19-20
Wonderful Counselor – Is. 9:6

Downloadable Material

Hermit Crab Illustration: “Getting into the Bible can feel a little like a hermit crab moving into a new shell—it’s clunky, unfamiliar, and maybe a little too roomy at first. But give it time. As we spend time in its pages, something beautiful happens…we grow into it. The stories start to resonate, the verses begin to shape us, and pretty soon, that once-awkward Bible feels like home. Not just a book, but a place where we can rest, grow, and find our identity in Christ.”

3 Steps to Forgive PDF

7 Deadly “M’s” That Sabotage Small Groups and Conversations

Words for the Speechless