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When Someone Gets Your Goat (and What to Do About It)

You know that old saying, “They really get my goat”?

I’ve heard it all my life, but only recently did I wonder—what on earth does that even mean? So I did what any self-respecting curious person would do: I Googled it.

Turns out, the phrase comes from horse racing. Apparently, trainers used to place goats in the stalls with high-strung racehorses the night before a race. The goats had a calming effect—like a little emotional support animal for a 1,200-pound animal that could trample you. And if someone wanted to rattle the horse before the big event? They’d sneak in and steal the goat.

So when someone gets your goat, they’re stealing your calm. And what’s left in its place? Restlessness. Irritability. Discontent. Yep—been there.

It got me thinking: What gets my goat?

A difficult person
Disappointed expectations
Political arguments
Family tension
Church conflict
(Did I mention conflict?)

Let’s be honest—conflict is everywhere. And it’s growing. Have you noticed?

Why Conflict Is Everywhere

Over the past five years, it seems like conflict isn’t just showing up at our door anymore—it’s kicking it down and dragging mud across the carpet. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. And here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. More Sides Than Ever Before

We’re not just divided down the middle anymore. Now we’ve got splinter groups of splinter groups. Political issues, education debates, moral dilemmas, human rights causes—it’s like we’ve all picked a team and grabbed a megaphone.

2. Rising Anxiety

Anxiety polarizes us. It makes us less resilient, more reactive. When we’re unhappy, we leak conflict. Ever been around someone with a short fuse? That’s anxiety talking. And it’s contagious.

3. Extreme Issues

Things that would have been unthinkable ten years ago are now hotly debated. We’re having to weigh in on complicated topics that leave us disoriented, overwhelmed and navigating eggshells.

Example: Should a 13-year-old boy who identifies as a girl be given hormones?

4. Easily Offended Culture

David French said it well:

“This is the culture of the micro-aggression, where people literally seek out opportunities to be offended… Victim status is so desirable that it’s constantly faked or exaggerated, and claims that one is not a victim are met with indignation.”

Some people are looking to be offended. Others have truly been hurt. Either way, the eggshells are real.

And here’s the truth:
You cannot have healthy relationships if you’re easily offended.
It takes grace, resilience, and vulnerability.

5. Conflict-Fueled Media

Social media, news outlets, podcasts—they all thrive on conflict. They hook us by troubling us. And then they keep us troubled.

Fear and outrage boost clicks and ratings.
We’re fed a diet of villainized “others.”
Even people we love in person can feel like enemies online.

Ever seen a post from someone you care about and thought, “Ugh. That gets my goat”? Yeah, me too.

How Do We Navigate All This?

I’ve been asking that question for the last five years. And here are my three personal rules:

1. Don’t Create Villains

It’s so easy to dehumanize people we disagree with:

Take away their name
Replace it with a demeaning nickname
Trash-talk them
Post that oh-so-clever-but-cruel meme

But as followers of Jesus, we don’t have the right to do this. Not to our exes. Not to political leaders. Not to people in the church who’ve hurt us.

“But I tell you, love your enemies…” — Matthew 5:44

“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” — 1 Peter 2:23

We are called to love even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it hurts.

2. Don’t Trust What You’re Hearing

I’ve gotten better at this since 2020. So much of what we hear is curated to manipulate us—true or not.

“If you can control information, you can control people.” – Tom Clancy

The Bible knew this before Clancy did:

“Don’t call everything a conspiracy, like they do, and don’t live in dread of what frightens them. Make the LORD of Heaven’s Armies holy in your life. He is the one you should fear.” — Isaiah 8:12–13

3. Don’t Take the Bait

Okay, full confession: I am terrible at this.

Jesus was so frustrating to his enemies. He wouldn’t take the bait. He was fine being misunderstood. He stayed silent when accused. I, on the other hand, want to break down the door, over-explain, respond louder and sharper.

But:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” — 1 Peter 3:9

That verse stops me in my tracks.

What Do We Do?

Turn to God — “He is the one who judges justly.”
Turn the other cheek — “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other also.” — Matthew 5:39
Turn off the news

“It is one of the evils of rapid diffusion of news that the sorrows of all the world come to us every morning. I think each village was meant to feel pity for it’s own sick and poor whom it can help and I doubt if it is the duty of any private person to fix his mind on ills which he cannot help. (This may even become an escape from the works of charity we really can do to those we know). A great many people do now seem think that the mere state of being worried is in itself meritorious. I don’t think it is. We must, if it so happens, give our lives for others: but even while we’re doing it, I think we’re meant to enjoy Our Lord and, in Him, our friends, our food, our sleep, your jokes, and the birds song and the frosty sunrise.”

— C.S. Lewis

Amen, C.S. Lewis. Amen.

When Conflict Gets Personal

But what about when conflict comes home?
What about those people who get our goat over and over again?

Difficult people are the gift that keeps on giving.
We know the patterns. We know the triggers.

And let’s be honest:
Sometimes we respond with grace.
Sometimes… not so much.

Here’s the secret:

It’s not their dysfunction that pushes your buttons.
It’s that they won’t own it.

We actually have a lot of grace for people.
We want to be generous. But when someone…

Deflects
Blames
Rewrites history
Lives from a false narrative

…that’s when things get hard.

My Story of Forgiveness

When Dan and I were newly married, he was a youth pastor at a small church in Dallas, Oregon. We were full of hope and ideals, and then came betrayal. A handful of leaders didn’t like us. No moral failure. No wrongdoing. They just didn’t like us.

They requested our resignation.

I was six months pregnant.
We were about to lose our home, our insurance, our income.
We were devastated. Angry. Confused.

We moved into a tiny apartment in a rough neighborhood. Dan painted houses and pastored part-time. I had our baby—and nursed both Grant and my resentments.

Then came a pastor’s conference at Twin Rocks. I sat in the back of the meeting house, arms crossed, listening to someone talk about forgiveness. What the speaker said felt artificial, like manufacturing sweet feelings was the key to forgiveness. Sweet feelings? I didn’t have any and didn’t want any.

I needed something to connect with my raw and wounded heart.

I needed a how.

And I believe God gave it to me right there. I scribbled them on a scrap piece of paper and my heart began to thaw.

Three Steps to Forgive Without Sweet Feelings

These three steps have guided me for over 20 years. They govern my relationships, my thoughts, and my goat.

1. Require Nothing

There are five things I don’t require in order to forgive:

Apology
Remorse
Understanding
Justice
Growth

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
You can 100% forgive someone without their participation.

2. Withhold Nothing

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… lend to them without expecting anything in return.” — Luke 6:27–28, 35

Here are five things I don’t withhold:

Blessing

“Repay evil with blessing…” — 1 Peter 3:9

Prayer

Prayer is love in action.

Doing good
Giving/lending
Kindness

I know—it’s intense. But I didn’t write it. Jesus did.

3. Stop Entertaining Thoughts of Their Defeat

This one tripped me up the most.
It felt good to imagine justice.
It filled the gap.

But:

“Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice.” — Proverbs 24:17

Final Thoughts

Forgiveness is hard—but doable.
Conflict is hard—but manageable.
Even when someone gets your goat.

So here’s the roadmap:

Require nothing
Withhold nothing
Stop taking pleasure in thoughts of their defeat

And remember:

Don’t create villains
Don’t trust everything you hear
Don’t take the bait

Instead:

Turn to Jesus
Turn the other cheek
Turn off the news

To this we were called.

What about you?
Who gets your goat?
What helps you stay grounded when conflict comes?

Let’s walk this road with grace—together.