3 Steps to Forgive that Don’t Require Sweet Feelings

If the requirements and fruit of forgiveness are sweet feelings, then I’m in trouble. I’d have to manufacture them and that would take all the authenticity out of my efforts to forgive. I need a way to forgive that’s accessible to the angry, bitter and broken. It needs to be something I’m capable of doing when I’m my at my worst.

My husband and I were deeply hurt and betrayed by a handful of church leaders in the early 90’s. They nearly ruined us for ministry. Their accusations, some accurate and most not, were hurtful and cut deep. These leaders were driven by patterns of assumptions and gossip. They didn’t want understanding or restoration, they wanted us gone.

I was mad, 6 months pregnant and we were losing our home, job and medical benefits. Things were crashing. I had never known anger like this. The injustice, lies, cruelty, and slander were more than I could handle. All this in the name of Jesus. It was absurd! I was dumbfounded by what the church was capable of.

Daily I pondered my struggle with forgiveness while nursing and nurturing my anger and bitterness. I hated God’s people and I knew this was bad. Really bad, especially for a pastor’s wife.I wanted to change and I wanted freedom but I didn’t know a way out. My feelings were anything but sweet and I was pretty sure that I had to be in better spiritual condition to forgive.

Months later I found myself at a pastors conference on the Oregon Coast. I took a seat in the back where the cynic in me felt most comfortable. My anger at the “church” was still fresh and hot and ironically the topic of this conference was forgiveness. This had my attention. What I needed from this speaker was to tell me how. I was waiting and aching for answers.

The speaker talked about the damage done if we don’t forgive, she talked about freedom, she used all the pretty Scriptures, she told stories, but in all her words she didn’t answer my question. How? Her path to forgiveness was fluffy, illusive and required sweet feelings. The more she talked the more frustrated I became.

With desperation I pulled out my pen and scribbled my own 3 steps to forgive. This was to change me forever. It was in that moment I found my how.

My list was simple.

1. Require nothing.

2. Withhold nothing.

3. Don’t take pleasure in thoughts of their defeat.

I thought about all I was secretly requiring of the people who hurt me. I wanted an apology, justice and their remorse. I wanted them to hurt like I hurt. But mostly I was fantasizing and taking pleasure in thoughts of their defeat. That one really got me. I pictured the failure of the leaders and the church dwindling down to nothing. I pictured dramatic conversations where I was proved right and where they admitted their wrong. I didn’t even notice how much I was doing this. Now I had a step that said this needed to stop.

I began to forgive that day. I found my steps and they didn’t require me to have sweet feelings orbe in a decent spiritual condition.

I haven’t changed these three steps in over two decades, but I have grown in my understanding of them. The steps are hard but healing. In them we lay down our expectations and pick up new disciplines. They call us to take the low place where we require nothing, withhold nothing and no longer take pleasure in thoughts of our enemies defeat.

Let’s unpack them a bit.

1. Require nothing

• Apology-I don’t need them to say they are sorry.
• Remorse -I don’t need them to feel bad.
• Understanding-I don’t need them to “get it” or see the damage they caused.
• Justice-I don’t need restitution.
• Growth-I don’t need them to grow and learn from this.

2. Withhold nothing

• Blessing-Bless those who curse you.
• Prayer-Pray for those who mistreat you.
• Doing good-Do good without expecting anything back.
• Giving/Lending-Give with no strings attached.
• Kindness-Be kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.”

Luke 6:27,28,35

That is one tough list! How does this promote healthy boundaries? Wouldn’t these actions just keep my enemy in their harmful patterns? Perhaps. But this isn’t my list and their spiritual growth isn’t my job. I’m just called to radical forgiveness and obedience.

The Bible says in Luke 6:29 “If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.” We are to be generous, regardless of the circumstances, and not withhold what they can use. I think the only check here is that, in whatever we lend or give, it has to be for their good. Sometimes our giving can harm more than help. Discernment is important.

3. Don’t take pleasure in thoughts of their defeat.

Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice.

Proverbs 24:17

We have to change our thought patterns, blessing and praying for what we’ve inwardly been cursing. How do we do this? When I find myself looping my negative and destructive thoughts I stop and pray a grounding scripture, usually Numbers 6:24-26.

‘May the Lord bless you and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.’

Numbers 6:24-26

It’s not a complicated solution. It’s simply creating and practicing a new reflex.

These steps may not lead to sweet feelings and restoration. Those are usually out of our control. But these steps do bring healing and freedom to our hardened hearts. They call us to be like Jesus. They are a must if we are going to clear our hearts of bitterness and continue to brave the wilds of authentic community.

Does this resonate with you? Do you want to experience more authenticity in your church? Subscribe to my email list below and let’s figure out how to brave the wilds of authentic community together.