Every small group is at the risk of being sabotaged by the actions and insensitivity of just one person. But these sabotagers aren’t necessarily the people you would expect. It could be you! There are seven different ways to derail authentic community. All are reflexes of good hearts and good intentions. We instinctively do them to ease the discomfort and awkwardness that accompanies authenticity.
The 7 Deadly “M’s” are common. They show up all the time. This list comes from my own failed attempts to make things better and less awkward. I’ve done them all!
1. Minimize
We minimize a person’s actions, responses or situation. We say things like: “It’s not that bad” or “At least you didn’t…” or “I doubt that’s what they meant.”
Good Intention: We want to affirm them and make them feel better about themselves.
Unintentional Message: “You are over-reacting.”
Problem: What people share is just the tip of their iceberg. Below the surface looms bigger and darker secrets. What they share is often a test to see what we can handle. They internally evaluate our response to see how safe, comfortable and open we are to hearing more. When we minimize their story or situation it can communicate that we are done and at our limit. They may take the hint and stop sharing.
2. Monopolize
We take over the conversation with our story and stuff.
Good Intention: We want them to know that they are not alone, we understand and we have been there too.
Unintentional Message: “You’re not important.”
Problem: Some people can’t be in a conversation without taking it over. Perhaps they are exceptionally needy and haven’t found a compassionate witness for their own stuff. Many others are completely unaware they monopolize conversations. They don’t realize they are doing most of the talking. These people can monologue the life out of a small group. Monopolizing conversations greedily snaps up all the real-estate meant for others stories. No one else is heard.
3. Manage
We manage and try to coach them on their language, tone, perspective or emotions
Good intention: We don’t want to be party to gossip, vulgarity or sin.
Unintentional Message: “You’re not acceptable.”
Problem: It is easy to be uncomfortable and uptight around messy processing. We tend to focus more on the externals than the heart. The cussing, gossip, raging emotions and tone distract us from the beauty of what is taking place. Not all vulnerability is sweet and teary. Vulnerability can come out raw and harsh. To manage this we may say a little something that communicates our disapproval in an effort to be helpful. That’s when they can shut down. If they don’t shut down they might transition their sharing into something limited, awkward and soulless. They settle for a conversation that isn’t as deep because they know the way they process their deep stuff is too ugly for us.
4. Minister
We share Bible verses, offer Christian thoughts and perspective and pray over them.
Good Intention: We want to minister to them and give them hope and inspiration.
Unintentional Message: “You’re not as spiritual as me.”
Problem: Sharing the true, ultimate and indisputable biblical answers to someones problem can result in premature closure to their vulnerability. This can feel patronizing and unsympathetic. They may pretend to “get it” and pretend our verses and answers resonate, because nobody wants to come off as unspiritual. The last thing anyone wants is for others to know that their ground is shaking, the answers aren’t working and the doubts are invading. What they need is a compassionate witness…someone to sit with them in the dark.
PRAYER CAUTION– Just a heads up…prayer is closure in our church culture. We close with prayer. When we pray for someone it is likely we have given them the impression the conversation is over. It is so hard to resume a story or struggle after we’ve been prayed for. It feels like reentry will jinx the prayer. When it comes to praying over someone, timing is everything. Make sure the conversation is truly at its end.
5. Make Suggestions
We bombard them with ideas and options.
Good intention: We want to provide practical help.
Unintentional Message: “You haven’t done enough or tried hard enough.”
Problem: People’s problems often have obvious solutions. It is all too easy to turn someone’s vulnerable sharing into a something that needs fixing. The conversation then shifts to providing resources and solutions. Doing this drains the moment of its authenticity. Making suggestions doesn’t help unfold a person’s story, instead it can put them on the defensive. They may find themselves having to respond to a barrage of ideas that feel irrelevant because they haven’t been heard. Suggestions can come off as insensitive when they assume the person’s ignorance, lack of research or effort.
6. Make Assumptions
We become too quick with our empathy and perspectives.
Good intention: We want them to know that we care, “get it” and understand. Unintentional Message: “I’m not really listening.”
Problem: We overestimate our intuition. We may respond too quickly with empathy and perspective and miss where the person is coming from. We think we get it when we don’t. We may become impatient and too distracted with our own thoughts to genuinely listen to them. Their story gets lost, as all our insights, that seem so brilliant to us, become empty and irrelevant to them.
7. Mute or Mumble
We get quiet and say nothing or mumble random things under our breath.
Good intention: We don’t want to do harm or say the wrong thing.
Unintentional Message: “I’m uncomfortable with you.
Problem: We can leave people thinking we don’t care because of our lack of response or make them wonder if they said something wrong. They may regret saying anything at all as they process what it was they did that caused us to become so uncomfortable that we stopped talking. We leave them with a breeding ground for their insecurities and self doubt to thrive.
Are these Deadly “M’s” always the wrong thing to do?
No! Let me say it again. No! Sometimes a Deadly “M” is perfectly suited to bring perspective and peace. Our deadly M could be our strength. We may be wonderful at giving advice, ministering with Scripture or helping people manage their emotions. It’s all about timing and sensitivity. The question to ask ourselves is this: Are the things we’re saying increasing or decreasing their openness? Let’s make sure we aren’t shutting down the very conversations we want to open up.
What now?
Now that we know what can be deadly to conversations, is there anything we can say that will encourage vulnerable sharing? Yes! Check out my blog “3 Things to Say that Encourage Vulnerable Conversations“
For printables and small group resources on the “7 Deadly M’s” visit my resource page.
Does this resonate with you? Do you want to experience more authenticity in your church? Subscribe to my email list below and let’s figure out how to brave the wilds of authentic community together.